Sunday, April 17, 2011

Make It Better Monday

Two blurbs:  The original that I sent in my query letters, and TWRP's blurb committee's version.  Tell me what you think.

1st Version:

Months after a devastating break-up, Shyann and Luke meet again under sizzling circumstances.   Head-to-head on a televised cooking competition called, KITCHEN TWIST, to see who can serve up the best date-night fare, each arrives with a different motive.  Luke has every intention of winning back Shyann’s heart, even as she is determined to get closure on the not-so-tasty heartbreak he served up by stealing her affection and her executive chef position.
Luke knows every culinary masterpiece requires a delicate touch, but all that knowledge is thrown out with the leftovers as he tries to make Shyann see he’s not as bad a guy as she believes.  Now he pushes both of them to the limits to win the competition that will satisfy a bet in which she agreed to leave with him if he succeeds.  But putting these two within the same vicinity results in an out-of-control blaze that two top chefs such as them can’t possibly resist, and even without winning, Luke convinces Shyann of his love and devotion, resulting in a sensational blend of two people who were meant to be together.
Final version:

Months after he stole her affections—then her executive chef position—Shyann and Luke meet again under sizzling circumstances, competing head-to-head on a televised cooking show called Kitchen Twist. Each arrives with a motive: Luke intends to win back Shyann’s heart, even as she wants closure on the not-so-tasty heartbreak he once served up.
Luke knows culinary masterpieces require a delicate touch, but that knowledge is tossed out with the leftovers as he works to show Shyann he’s not such a bad guy.  Now he pushes his skills to the limit to win the competition and satisfy a bet.

Can two top chefs resist each other as they move out of the pan and into the fire?

WOW!  I love the final version.  It's so streamlined, but gets all the most important ideas.  Love it!

Happy Writing.

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