Monday, April 11, 2011

Make It Better Monday

For Make It Better Monday this week, I'm going to post an early draft of the first paragraph of Into the Fire, my short story soon to be published with http://www.thewildrosepress.com/.  I am currently taking an online course with Angela James, executive editor with Carina Press, and I'm all about editing lately.  So, don't be afraid to tell me what you think.

Early version:

A little heat-ray vision would be so perfect right about now.  Shyann Devere crossed her arms and glared.  The man sitting to the right of her five feet away, legs sprawled, soduku puzzle book in hand looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.  She imagined hot beams burning from her eyes in his direction.  But barring any sudden toxic waste incidents or radioactive insect encounters, she’d just have to be satisfied with her ordinary angry gaze.  One dilemma though.  She had no intention of actually looking directly at him, so an out-of-the-corner eye stare didn’t have quite the burn-him-to-ash she was going for.  And what was worse, he didn’t even seem to know she was in the room.

Edited version:

Heat-ray vision would be so perfect right about now.  Shyann Devere crossed her arms and glared.  The man sitting five feet to the right of her, legs sprawled, Sudoku puzzle book in hand, looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.  She imagined hot beams burning from her eyes, searing him to cinders.  But barring any sudden toxic waste incidents or radioactive insect encounters, she’d just have to be satisfied with her disappointingly un-super-powered, but ├╝ber-angry gaze.  There was one dilemma, though.  She had no intention of actually looking directly at him, but an out-of-the-corner-of-her-eye stare didn’t have quite the burn-him-to-ash punch she was going for.  And what was worse, he didn’t even seem to know she was in the room. 

The changes aren't tremendous, but they make a difference in how the paragraph reads and the image created.  Do you see anything else that could be better?  What's good about it?  What's still not quite there?

Happy Writing!

2 comments:

Elke Feuer said...

The changes made a big different. You took out the unnecessary words and made the sentences stronger. It works.

The last part "She had no intention of actually looking directly at him, but an out-of-the-corner-of-her-eye stare didn’t have quite the burn-him-to-ash punch she was going for." sounds like a repeat of what you said earlier.

That was my only comment. Love her sense of humor!

BTW. Love the changes to your blog.

Cherie Marks said...

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for commenting, Elke.